At 44 years old, I'm trying to figure out how to be happy. It's taken me a lot of years, and a lot of pain to realize that this disease was ruining my life by putting huge limits on the things I allow myself to do.
The world is scary & my place is safe. But it's also getting smaller with each passing day becoming a prison. I literally sit in front of a window and a computer screen & watch the world go by, feeling bad because I haven't laughed in forever. Haven't enjoyed anthing I've done for the last several days. Thoughts of feeling hopeless & worthless swirling in my head with no off switch.
I'm scared, but I want to break free of my walls, start talking nicely to myself, know that I am good enough & that I do have value.
I know that my little blog has been neglected, and I don't know what role it will have in my new & improving future, but I wanted to share what I was feeling with my friends. Friends who have said countless prayers for me & have always lifted my spirits when I'm at my lowest.
I will always have bad days, but now I choose to believe that there will be more happy days right around the corner. I'm going to learn how to be alive & joyful, even if I have to drag my bi-polar kicking & screaming behind me.