Tuesday, July 1, 2008

The Old Bait & Switch.

Hmm...here I sit a few days away from 41. I promised myself that 40 would be better than 39, but I don't think I lived up to that one.

I was hospitalized about 6 times, failed to sustain much of a wt. loss & I am more alone than ever.

I have a fantastic husband & two amazing sons, how can I be alone? My anxiety & depression keep me from doing just about anything outside of the house. I can usually go to church & lunch afterwards. I can go to the grocery store or to run errands. I can chauffer the boys around & pick up or drop off their friends. What I can't do is go out with people, meet people for any activity, or go to people's house for a social activity. I can't have people come here either.

Any plans I make (usually with people who are my friends from church because I have lost all of my other friends for this reason) I cancel. My husband goes without me, or he doesn't go at all. It's not the life he signed up for.

When I met my husband I was a person who was thin, self confident & exciting to be around. I had made it through my divorce & come out the other side with a sparkle in my eye. We had an exciting life before we got married. I blame myself for putting the kibosh on the majority of his fun.

I feel like I pulled a bait & switch on him. I offered a shiny, fun fiance & left him holding the bag on an old, chubby, sad person who is afraid of life. He deserves more. I suppose I do too, but I feel worse for him.


I am STILL the Queen! said...

Ahhhh Pammie!

I think we women ALL go through this phase eventually! It seems to be hitting you awfully hard though. How's about you go see a doctor to get your tummy troubles fixed and another one to prescribe you some Happy Pills????


PS Can ya eliminate the old word verification thingie?? I truly hate those things!!

keweenawkim said...

You did not "bait and switch" You are all the things he saw, only YOU can't see them anymore.

And maybe being social isn't your thing, and that is OK too. I know alot of "social" people who are not half the person you are.