Suicide Watch: My Story

I never got to see John David in this costume. It was for a first grade play he was in. My mom made it for him and took this picture. I was in the hospital. I had tried to commit suicide.

Do you see the sadness in my son's eyes? He didn't know what I had done, he just knew that his life had been turned upside down and everyone he loved was letting him down. Terrifying him.

My ex-husband, his father, and I were in the midst of our divorce. His father was having an affair and left us. I had an undiagnosed mental illness and I was an active alcoholic.

John David saw a lot of screaming, sobbing, so much anger. John David once called 911 because he thought I was going to hurt his father. The things he saw, you can see reflected in his eyes.  John was 7, Jack only 3 1/2. Luckily Jack's memory of this time is much more fuzzy, but of course he bears his own scars.

In my mind, I thought my boys would be better off without me. I was so absorbed in my own pain, I didn't realize how my death would make things so very much worse for the boys I was trying to protect.

Obviously my suicide attempt didn't work. I am SO unbelievably lucky.

I have spent every day since that day trying to make up for that look in my son's eyes. Trying to make his pain go away. Trying to fix the sins of the past.  But it doesn't work like that.  I can't fix it for him.

But I can share my story. I can tell you that even though it was awful, we made it. I am incredibly close to my two young men.  I have worked like hell to make them know that there would be one constant in their life.  That no matter what, I will be there for them.  And I am.

There are too many families who are not as lucky as we are. Mental illness is insidious, it can be black, painful, overwhelming. For one moment, it even eclipsed my love of my boys.

But I'm still here. My boys are adults now who know about all of the secrets of my past. I want them to be aware that both mental illness and alcoholism can have a hereditary component.

I want you to all know that mental illness is real. I'm sure you know someone who lives with it and suffers from it.  One reason I'm writing this is because someone very close to me "doesn't buy" this whole mental illness thing. They think it's just an excuse for being weak.

Mental illness has not made me weak, it has made me strong. I don't have everything all figured out yet, not by a long shot. But I do know that I will never willingly leave my sons and my husband. It's the kind of strength that has been forged by fire. We all have our scars, but I refuse to try to hide mine.

I'm hoping that by shining a spotlight on this part of my life I can start to let it go. To stop punishing myself for my actions. And maybe in doing so, just one person will hold on a little longer. Maybe one person will change the way they view mental illness.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story. Feel free to share it. I'm not looking to get a bunch of clicks, to up page views, I'm just hoping maybe someone in your life will read it too.

Wordless Wednesday - Jack

Really, what is there to say...

My Jack



Jack & his GF Alexis

My baby, Jack Andrew, is 16 today.  My Jack is funny, kind, loving, smart and totally his own person.  He has a great sense of style, but I don't have a great picture to represent that.

He is so caring and loving that he makes my day everytime I am with him.  He spends 50% of his time with his dad, so I miss him a lot of the time, but am always thrilled when he walks back through the door.

I wish that all of you could know him to know what a special person he truly is. 

Every year I shed a few tears on my boys birthdays, happy tears that I have helped to create such amazing people.

Happy birthday, baby, I love you so very, very much.

I'm The Sh!t

Hi guys, I overheard my youngest boy Jack talking to a friend today & he said, "My mom is the shit, she's the coolest."

Now the language is not what I would prefer, but I love that that's what he thinks of me.  He has told me that he is the only one of his friends who isn't always complaining about his parents. 

It makes me feel awesome that my boys love me & know how much I love them.  They are both really good boys.  Neither has ever gotten into any trouble and at 19 & almost 16 that feels pretty good.

I appreciate your comments and prayers for my grandmother.  She is still amazing the Dr's & was successfully taken off of the respirator yesterday.  I guess miracles do happen when you believe.

Project 365 Week 6

My week captured thru my camera, un-filtered & un-retouched.

Sunday, January 30 ~ Saturday, February 6, 2011


Sunday

Oskar posing for his Valentines day card.  We got some free cards from Shutterfly, so Oskar is sending them to some of his blogging lady friends.  Yes, Oskar has his own blog.


Monday

Not a picutre I took, but I want everyone to know about the 5th and final One World One Heart event.  Hundreds of bloggers from all over the world connect and get to know each other while offering small door prizes at every stop.  It's really magical and I'm so sad that this is the last year.  There's still time for you to join in!


Tuesday

My new purse, it seemed nice & springy to me!


Wednesday

Yep, snow.  After listening to the weather forecasters yowl about this storm, we got 9 out of the expected 18 inches.  I know it's worse in other places, but people, this is Michigan.  It snows here.  Every single year.  Enough with the hysteria.

Thursday

Love me some Duds!  They helped get me through the night.


Friday

John multitasking while eating 3 pot pies.  Notice them stacked all over the table next to him!

Saturday

Jack arriving home from the mall, having no choice in whether or not I take his picture!

I'm having a little anxiety about this P365, since I see so many pictures of people out and about, at parties, with  friends, at church.  It makes my life feel so small, but it's a real look inside the life of me, living with my issues.  Most of my life takes place in my small house and for now that just has to be OK with me, I guess.

It's not to late to join Sara for Project 365!

Oh Jack!

Jack's latest look!

i-Text-Mowing

My Jack is not much of a multi-tasker, unless it comes to mowing the lawn.  I call it i-text-mowing.

I've warned him that playing his i-Pod over the sound of the lawnmower will make him lose his hearing.  He countered by saying that by the time that happened, they would be able to replace peoples eardrums!

Here's some actual mowing...

interrupted by an obviously important text.

And finally wondering why I found him mowing the lawn picture so worthy!

Random Updates

First I would like to report that John David passed his GED with flying colors.  I didn't see him study much, so I was concerned, but he scored very high overall & in the 96th percentile in science!  I'm so proud of my boy.  We got him an new I-Pod to celebrate.

Here's John & Jack "enjoying" a hug before Jack went to his homecoming dance.

Jack had a few girls that wanted to go to the dance with him, so he decided not to ask anyone & went with a bunch of friends.  He wasn't thrilled with the picture taking, but I had to, of course!

And on to me, I tried going back to college.  I signed up for 2 classes online.  I had HTML programming & the Philosophy of Human Ethics.

It didn't work, I'm not ready.  I got sick again, the anxiety made my stomach freak out.  After being up all night, throwing up, getting an upper respiratory infection, and almost landing back in the hospital I dropped the classes.  I feel like a failure, but I know that my body & my mind just weren't ready.

I went to the Dr. today & he gave me a shot, nose spray, an inhaler, codeine cough meds & 2 antibiotics.  I guess I should have gone in last week, but I thought it would pass.

For the rest of the day I'm going to eat some homemade chicken soup that I thawed out & lay on the couch and read!  Why don't you do the same, just because?

Lastly, don't forget to enter my World Vision Gift Catalog giveaway.  You have the chance to win this beautiful turquoise bracelet & it has low entries!

Me And My Family

Here are some pics that were taken at my cousin Holly's wedding last month. This was a casual reception a week after they got married, so we're dressed in regular clothes.

My grandpa with his 7 remaining siblings. (He's in the back, on the end, behind the lady with the red pants.)  There were originally 11 of them. A good Catholic Iowa farm family. They needed lots of kids to work the farm. Even with bone cancer my grandpa works my uncle's huge farm as much as he can all summer & keeps all of us in tomatoes & corn. We can the tomatoes and freeze the corn. It's so good in the middle of a long winter to taste the garden & my grandpa's love.

My parents, my boys & I. (Chris had to work.)  My mom put all her weight back on since her breast cancer. She says she lost a boob, but gained almost 100 lbs., lol!

All of us including John's girlfriend, LeighAnne.  She's just like one of our own now :)

And finally me & my baby boys.

Jack looks a little doofy in that pic, but momma loves it anyway

Paint, Birdseed, Boys, & Silence

While reading a great post over at The Parenting Myth the other day, it reminded me of something.  She mentioned how silence while the children are not sleeping is a bad thing.

That made me think of a specific moment from my boy's childhood that was quite memorable.

Awake children (about 8 & 5), silence, white paint & a 25 lb. bag of birdseed do not go together in a way that will be pleasing to a mother.  It was however, very pleasing for said 8 & 5 year old, that is until momma found them.

They had started by mixing a little birdseed in with the paint.  (To this day I still don't know how they got the paint can open.)  Then a little splashed on one of them.  By the time I found them they were coated in paint & birdseed.  I was tempted to leave them in the yard & let the robins clean them so I wouldn't have to.

I remember feelings of horror, this room will never, ever, be clean again & I will be finding birdseed for years!  Then I laughed.  I laughed until I almost peed & the terrifed look on my boy's faces was instantly replaced with glee.

Laughing is the only thing you can do in these situations & it's still a hilarious memory.  I only wish I had thought to grab the camera, but it's one of those mind pictures that I will never forget.

I love my boys & I love the crazy situations they've gotten me into over the years.  It sure has been a journey!

Also don't forget to enter my Shutterfly giveaway!

My Baby Is In High School!!!

I know I'm lucky.  My boy is here with me.  I have several friends who have lost children, who would be overjoyed to be where I'm at today, so please forgive me if this is insensitive.

It's just while I watch my boys grown into amazing young men, every step towards independence takes them a step further away from me in some way.  Sometimes, like now just writing about it, the tears come as I remember my little men who always wanted to snuggle with momma.  When you love with all of your heart, all of your soul, and all of your being, letting go hurts so much, even while you rejoice in their accomplishments.

Anywhoo, here are some pictures of Jack's "clap in" yesterday. The freshmen come in alone at the beginning of the day and are clapped into the big gym by parents & loved ones. The drum line plays in front of them which makes it really cool.

Jack wasn't really interested my picture taking, but he's the one with the messenger bag.

My handsome Jack.  (Yes we can usually only see one eye!)

And one last shot of him walking away from me into his exciting new adventure.

I love you, baby Jack.

Wordless Wednesday: Thing One & Thing Two

Look Alikes?

My Jack, who didn't want his face shown...



And this pup from my Cute Overload calendar.

"Baby" Jack

Well, it's been birthday season here in Mimi-ville. Today is my baby's birthday. My youngest boy Jack is 15 today.

As I keep saying, I'm not sure how this happened.

Look at those cheeks!!

We celebrated this afternoon at my parent's house. Here's Jack with my mom & dad.



And one with Chris & I.



Jack got tons of cash for his birthday, it's what he likes to ask for. Two years ago I got him $100 in one dollar bills, last year it was two dollar bills. This year I had to go with dollar coins.



Chris picked out the bag we put his money in. Jack loves rainbows & silly things that boys don't usually like. He says some people think he's gay, but he's not, just himself. He said the gift bag was his favorite part.


My Jack has been a huge, amazing blessing in my life. He's funny, smart, kind and goofy, just the way I like my boys!

Happy birthday Jack, we love you so much!