Suicide Watch: My Story

I never got to see John David in this costume. It was for a first grade play he was in. My mom made it for him and took this picture. I was in the hospital. I had tried to commit suicide.

Do you see the sadness in my son's eyes? He didn't know what I had done, he just knew that his life had been turned upside down and everyone he loved was letting him down. Terrifying him.

My ex-husband, his father, and I were in the midst of our divorce. His father was having an affair and left us. I had an undiagnosed mental illness and I was an active alcoholic.

John David saw a lot of screaming, sobbing, so much anger. John David once called 911 because he thought I was going to hurt his father. The things he saw, you can see reflected in his eyes.  John was 7, Jack only 3 1/2. Luckily Jack's memory of this time is much more fuzzy, but of course he bears his own scars.

In my mind, I thought my boys would be better off without me. I was so absorbed in my own pain, I didn't realize how my death would make things so very much worse for the boys I was trying to protect.

Obviously my suicide attempt didn't work. I am SO unbelievably lucky.

I have spent every day since that day trying to make up for that look in my son's eyes. Trying to make his pain go away. Trying to fix the sins of the past.  But it doesn't work like that.  I can't fix it for him.

But I can share my story. I can tell you that even though it was awful, we made it. I am incredibly close to my two young men.  I have worked like hell to make them know that there would be one constant in their life.  That no matter what, I will be there for them.  And I am.

There are too many families who are not as lucky as we are. Mental illness is insidious, it can be black, painful, overwhelming. For one moment, it even eclipsed my love of my boys.

But I'm still here. My boys are adults now who know about all of the secrets of my past. I want them to be aware that both mental illness and alcoholism can have a hereditary component.

I want you to all know that mental illness is real. I'm sure you know someone who lives with it and suffers from it.  One reason I'm writing this is because someone very close to me "doesn't buy" this whole mental illness thing. They think it's just an excuse for being weak.

Mental illness has not made me weak, it has made me strong. I don't have everything all figured out yet, not by a long shot. But I do know that I will never willingly leave my sons and my husband. It's the kind of strength that has been forged by fire. We all have our scars, but I refuse to try to hide mine.

I'm hoping that by shining a spotlight on this part of my life I can start to let it go. To stop punishing myself for my actions. And maybe in doing so, just one person will hold on a little longer. Maybe one person will change the way they view mental illness.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story. Feel free to share it. I'm not looking to get a bunch of clicks, to up page views, I'm just hoping maybe someone in your life will read it too.

Project 365 - Week 23

Sunday, May 29 through Saturday, June 4
Sunday:
Chris & Oskar were hanging outside in the gorgeous chairs my dad made for us.

Monday:
My mom called me Monday morning & said her friend was getting rid of a leather couch a recliner.  Our furniture was literally shredded, torn & held together with duct tape.  We were thrilled to spend the day off picking up some decent furniture.  John David & Chris are relaxing after wrestling furniture for hours in the heat.

Tuesday:
Oskar has a new favorite spot on a footstool that came with the furniture.  It's perfect for watching out the window.  You can see the remnants of our old couch by the curb.  Bye-bye horrible, frat house, furniture!

Wednesday & Thursday, no pics.

Friday:
One of the few roses that has bloomed so far with all this rain.  It's about a day past it's best.  Sounds like me, lol!

Saturday:
Oskar & Chris in a pillow pile.

Stop on over to Sara's blog to check out all the other 365 participants.  It's not too late to join in!

In His Own Words

Today is John David's 19th birthday so here is a picture he chose, a post he wrote himself, with just a little commentary from me.

Hey everyone. My name is John David Hillman. On March 14th, 1992, I was born. Today, I turned 19. I would be spending the day in Canada drinking, (now that I'm legal to drink there), but I lost my passport, so I'll have to make due. ;) (John was born in Canada and is half Canadian himself.)

I live with my mom, and am putting off finding a job and doing college because I'm a lazy teenager. Lucky for my mom, right? (John doesn't mention that he already has a job lined up for the spring.)

I'm agnostic, bisexual, have a tattoo that says "Make love, not war" (the "O" in love is a heart, and the "O" in not is a peace sign) on my right arm, a gaged ear, and a pierced tongue. And yes, they ALL HURT! XD

I spend most of my time at my boyfriend Andy's apartment with his 2 roommates; 2 of my best friends. Other than the 4 of us here, we have 3 snakes, 2 cats, 4 rats (2 are mine. Mom wont let me bring them home... *pout*), and a mouse named "Dinner", because he will one day BE dinner for a snake.

So far for my birthday, I've gotten a good amount of money, a 2TB hard drive, and I bought myself 2 pet rats; Quorra (girl), and Phillip (boy) who I love with all my heart.

Thank you all for the well wishes and "happy birthdays", but make sure you send more to my mom. She puts up with me, so she needs support more than anyone. ;D
♥
-John

Happy birthday, Sunshine, I love you so very much!

Project 365 Week 6

My week captured thru my camera, un-filtered & un-retouched.

Sunday, January 30 ~ Saturday, February 6, 2011


Sunday

Oskar posing for his Valentines day card.  We got some free cards from Shutterfly, so Oskar is sending them to some of his blogging lady friends.  Yes, Oskar has his own blog.


Monday

Not a picutre I took, but I want everyone to know about the 5th and final One World One Heart event.  Hundreds of bloggers from all over the world connect and get to know each other while offering small door prizes at every stop.  It's really magical and I'm so sad that this is the last year.  There's still time for you to join in!


Tuesday

My new purse, it seemed nice & springy to me!


Wednesday

Yep, snow.  After listening to the weather forecasters yowl about this storm, we got 9 out of the expected 18 inches.  I know it's worse in other places, but people, this is Michigan.  It snows here.  Every single year.  Enough with the hysteria.

Thursday

Love me some Duds!  They helped get me through the night.


Friday

John multitasking while eating 3 pot pies.  Notice them stacked all over the table next to him!

Saturday

Jack arriving home from the mall, having no choice in whether or not I take his picture!

I'm having a little anxiety about this P365, since I see so many pictures of people out and about, at parties, with  friends, at church.  It makes my life feel so small, but it's a real look inside the life of me, living with my issues.  Most of my life takes place in my small house and for now that just has to be OK with me, I guess.

It's not to late to join Sara for Project 365!

John David's Photoshoot

John spent time with his awesome friend Rachel a couple of week ago & they had fun doing a JD photoshoot.  Rachel took the pics & JD edited them.  I think they turned out great.

I love that they did something so cool and creative!

Random Updates

First I would like to report that John David passed his GED with flying colors.  I didn't see him study much, so I was concerned, but he scored very high overall & in the 96th percentile in science!  I'm so proud of my boy.  We got him an new I-Pod to celebrate.

Here's John & Jack "enjoying" a hug before Jack went to his homecoming dance.

Jack had a few girls that wanted to go to the dance with him, so he decided not to ask anyone & went with a bunch of friends.  He wasn't thrilled with the picture taking, but I had to, of course!

And on to me, I tried going back to college.  I signed up for 2 classes online.  I had HTML programming & the Philosophy of Human Ethics.

It didn't work, I'm not ready.  I got sick again, the anxiety made my stomach freak out.  After being up all night, throwing up, getting an upper respiratory infection, and almost landing back in the hospital I dropped the classes.  I feel like a failure, but I know that my body & my mind just weren't ready.

I went to the Dr. today & he gave me a shot, nose spray, an inhaler, codeine cough meds & 2 antibiotics.  I guess I should have gone in last week, but I thought it would pass.

For the rest of the day I'm going to eat some homemade chicken soup that I thawed out & lay on the couch and read!  Why don't you do the same, just because?

Lastly, don't forget to enter my World Vision Gift Catalog giveaway.  You have the chance to win this beautiful turquoise bracelet & it has low entries!

Hidden Treasure

John David

Look at that face!  I just found this pic of JD at a 18 months.

I'm trying to look for the little treasures that are hidden around me each day & this is a perfect example.

Me And My Family

Here are some pics that were taken at my cousin Holly's wedding last month. This was a casual reception a week after they got married, so we're dressed in regular clothes.

My grandpa with his 7 remaining siblings. (He's in the back, on the end, behind the lady with the red pants.)  There were originally 11 of them. A good Catholic Iowa farm family. They needed lots of kids to work the farm. Even with bone cancer my grandpa works my uncle's huge farm as much as he can all summer & keeps all of us in tomatoes & corn. We can the tomatoes and freeze the corn. It's so good in the middle of a long winter to taste the garden & my grandpa's love.

My parents, my boys & I. (Chris had to work.)  My mom put all her weight back on since her breast cancer. She says she lost a boob, but gained almost 100 lbs., lol!

All of us including John's girlfriend, LeighAnne.  She's just like one of our own now :)

And finally me & my baby boys.

Jack looks a little doofy in that pic, but momma loves it anyway

Paint, Birdseed, Boys, & Silence

While reading a great post over at The Parenting Myth the other day, it reminded me of something.  She mentioned how silence while the children are not sleeping is a bad thing.

That made me think of a specific moment from my boy's childhood that was quite memorable.

Awake children (about 8 & 5), silence, white paint & a 25 lb. bag of birdseed do not go together in a way that will be pleasing to a mother.  It was however, very pleasing for said 8 & 5 year old, that is until momma found them.

They had started by mixing a little birdseed in with the paint.  (To this day I still don't know how they got the paint can open.)  Then a little splashed on one of them.  By the time I found them they were coated in paint & birdseed.  I was tempted to leave them in the yard & let the robins clean them so I wouldn't have to.

I remember feelings of horror, this room will never, ever, be clean again & I will be finding birdseed for years!  Then I laughed.  I laughed until I almost peed & the terrifed look on my boy's faces was instantly replaced with glee.

Laughing is the only thing you can do in these situations & it's still a hilarious memory.  I only wish I had thought to grab the camera, but it's one of those mind pictures that I will never forget.

I love my boys & I love the crazy situations they've gotten me into over the years.  It sure has been a journey!

Also don't forget to enter my Shutterfly giveaway!

Wordless Wednesday: Thing One & Thing Two

I'm Celebrating Me Today!

Today is my day, my birthday! I'm 43 years old. It's been a great day for me. For once my brain doesn't have a dark cloud hanging over my head.

My computer died a few weeks ago & my husband went out and got me an awesome new computer earlier this week, for my birthday present. The screen is huge & I think is HD because it's so crisp & clear! The tower part of the computer is tiny, about 1/3 the size of a regular tower. I'm in love with it.



This morning I got up & went in search of my birthday cake & a cake for my youngest son Jack, who will be 15 on Sunday. I hit Sam's club & this is what I found.



It's a luscious vanilla cake (the good, homemade tasting kind) with pink strawberry flavored icing and strawberries on top. That was my breakfast.

Then since Jack was at his dad's house & Chris was working I took my 18 year old, John David out to eat for my lunch. I got a plate full of carbo-goodness in the form of a hot roast beef sandwich and french fries all covered in gravy! Superb! Of course I couldn't eat all of it because of my gastroparesis, but I loved what I did have.



JD had an appetizer plate. This is him not wanting to have his picture taken, but humoring me because it's my birthday, lol!



Then JD & I went to Kroger for a few things & I found these.



Called Whimsical Whoopies, it's like a Nilla Wafer flavored muffin top with buttercream frosting & sprinkles! Half of one of these was my lunch dessert.



After a while hanging out John David came home with his girlfriend LeighAnne and my birthday present. It was honestly something that I really never expected!



As I posted on my FaceBook, I now the proud owner of the hugest giant monkey in the history of giant monkeys!



(Terrible picture of me, but who cares, right?)

Here's Jack with my giant monkey.



Just for perspective, Jack is about 5 ft. 7 inches!


On my birthday's I try to do whatever I want for that day and reflect on my life as it stands. I am so thankful for my beautiful sons, my amazing husband, who really is my best friend, my parents & in-laws and my blogging friends. I have made some really great friends, most whom I've never met, but bloggers who I consider every bit as much my friends as any person I know in real life, so thank you to all of you!

Now Chris is here & we're catching up on the last season of Psych & doing nothing much. Perfect!